Cotswold Zoe: Parenting

3 October 2021

Hello. Again

We've been busy.

Ten months since my last blog post... What can I say, we've been really busy.

We've been raising a little human who is growing into the most wonderful, beautiful boy, who we love more and more each day as he develops his own cheeky personality.

I've gone back to work, and I've attempted to learn how to juggle being a working mummy {definitely still learning).

Crucially, I've been recovering from pretty severe postnatal depression. It's such a strange thing to look back on a certain period of your life, and recognise both your most cherished memories, but also your darkest ever moments. How you can go from the pure elation of seeing your newborn smile for the first time, or feeling their warmth against your chest, to feeling nothing at all - a complete emptiness - or worse, intrusive thoughts which make you doubt your own existence.

The last 18 months or so have been the hardest of my life, without question. I feel exhausted from the strain of it all. But I also feel like a completely different person to who I was the last time I wrote on the blog. I have confidence again. I have mornings where I feel energised and raring to go again - although that's definitely not every day, what with Henry's frequent night time wake ups! I've started to pursue my own passions - things I want to do purely for enjoyment, not because I need to or feel I have to. I'm able to look to the future again, and make plans beyond a few hours {I will however still be late to them, because some things never change sadly}.

My head is still a tangled mess of emotions a lot of the time, but perhaps that is normal once you're a parent? I feel shame over how I was when I was poorly, how I could have been, how I am now and how I could be. I have guilt as a mum, guilt as a wife, guilt as a daughter, guilt as a friend and guilt as a colleague. I have huge doubts over my aspirations, my strengths, my appearance and my character. I worry about things.

But I also laugh most days - usually at my husband's jokes which are quite often appalling but which make me properly belly laugh. I've started exercising again {only once a week, let's not go mad...} But it feels lovely to be looking after my body once more. I can jump in the car and drive without batting an eyelid, instead of dreading 10 minute journeys for days beforehand. I can see our little boy developing at the speed of light, and am often found simply stood with my husband as we gaze at him playing with his toys - or even just sleeping - with inane grins on our faces, proclaiming for the seventeenth time that day how lucky we are.

My ride has not been an easy one - but as I keep saying, I know that nobody's is ever without challenges. I finally feel like I'm coming out the other side. I definitely still have some way to go, and I'm not sure what it is - if anything - I need to do yet. But as that brilliant saying goes, "happiness is not a destination, it's a journey". And I think it's about time that I enjoy the journey.

I'm back. Hello. Again.

Depression

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Newborn Essentials

Back when I was six months pregnant, I wrote a post featuring my pregnancy essentials - think non-alcoholic gin, maternity jeans and stretch mark solutions - and it went down so well that I knew I'd have to write one for those first few weeks of parenthood.

Baby MM was just 2.5 weeks old when this picture was taken, and it makes my husband and I go all gooey and emotional when we look at it - which, if I'm honest, is exactly what we do when we look at him now at the grand old age of 3 months! Those early days are the emotional rollercoaster everyone promises - you are hit with waves of such love, elation and joy that you end up weeping into your cup of tea with happiness, but then after several consecutive nights of 1-2 hours sleep, you find yourself crying due to sheer exhaustion. Anything which makes the transition easier is therefore much appreciated.

There were several lifesavers for us; we were lucky enough to find ourselves in between lockdowns when Baby MM was born, meaning my parents were able to stay with us and help out for the first few days. Having someone on hand to do the washing {so much washing, right from the start!}, keep the kettle boiling and provide baby snuggles when you're desperate for just a 20 minute nap is something both Mr MM and I would 100% recommend. Obviously you want your helpers to be exactly that: helpers, and not guests who expect you to be serving up three meals a day and playing the role of hostess with the mostess. In our case, Mama Maggie May ensured I always had a plate of toast lathered with jam and butter in front of me, and neither she nor my dad batted an eyelid when I didn't get changed out of pyjamas for several days. They were a godsend!

Aside from helpful parents/grandparents, we found that having the right 'baby stuff' from the start made a big difference too. It's so hard to know what to buy for your first newborn, and I spent many hours trawling the internet for reviews and articles in a bid to find out. There were a few products that we discovered after Baby MM was born, because we suddenly found a need for it, and I'm sure most new parents would agree that some of the purchases you make turn out to be rarely used, whereas late additions can prove invaluable. That being said, it certainly takes away a lot of the stress if you can do most of your baby and nursery shopping before their arrival.

Hopefully you will find our recommendations useful, and please let me know in the comments if you have any questions at all about any of the products listed. I never buy anything online without scouring the reviews first, but I know it can sometimes be difficult to find the exact answers about specifics. Feel free to quiz me!

- P R A M. Bit of an obvious one really, isn't it? Choosing your pram is a big deal, and actually a very personal choice. Amongst my friends alone there is a huge range, and it very much depends on what your intention is {Will you be using public transport? Will it fit in your car boot? Will you be using it on walks in the countryside or just pavements?} as well as your budget. It's the purchase that took us the longest to decide upon, with my husband swotting up on Which? reviews whilst I looked back at the Made for Mums award winners from the last decade... There was one in particular I fell in love with from the beginning, and luckily it turned out to be an excellent pram to use as well as look at! So we chose the Ocarro from Mamas & Papas* and we absolutely love it. There was a 6-piece bundle available at the time we bought it {along with the pushchair came a carrycot, car seat adaptors, a changing bag, footmuff and coffee cup holder} and we went for the Grey Mist. Not only does it look lovely, but it is brilliant on muddy tracks and bumpy roads, steers easily and most importantly, folds and unfolds in one quick and easy motion.

- N I G H T L I G H T. Not something I would have thought about myself, but I stumbled across this product* while perusing the John Lewis website one evening. It's so good that we ended up buying two! It's an adaptor which fits to your usual light; if you flick the switch once, the soft nightlight comes on {and the brightness can be adjusted}, and if you flick twice, your normal light comes on. We keep the low setting on overnight so I can check him in his crib easily {see below} and see to breastfeed. We also have one in his nursery so that if we change him overnight or want to rock him in the nursing chair, we don't wake him up with bright lights.

- C H A N G I N G M A T. Again, another obvious one - but I was delighted to find this mattress* that isn't ugly or garish! The neutral sheep pattern looks perfect in the nursery, it's cushioned, and easy to wipe clean - a very important factor. I'd also recommend a changing table - a few people told us we didn't need one, but it is so much nicer for your back if you can squeeze one in! We bought ours as part of a nursery furniture set from Silver Cross.

- B A B Y B A T H. Baby MM hated his first couple of baths, screaming as soon as he was lowered into the water. We went to visit my parents when he was a few weeks old and they'd bought this* for us to use when we stay with them. As soon as we placed him in it, the crying stopped and he looked around calmly. Now he absolutely loves bath time and we find it actually calms him down if he's in a grump! I think the baby bath really helps as he feels supported and comfortable, and the plug makes it so easy to drain out some water if needed - it's a product I have recommended to several of my mum friends, and they love it too!

- N I P P L E C R E A M. When I got this* out of my hospital bag, I was delighted when the midwife told me it was the best product out there for preventing sore and cracked nipples. I'd simply chosen the one which I'd heard of before, and had been impressed by the global five-star ratings. I can see why; despite breastfeeding for hours through the day and night, and initially having issues with a difficult latch {due to Baby MM having a tongue tie which was ultimately treated} the soothing cream provided a level of protection and prevented any damage. I found I didn't have to use it anymore after the first month or so, but up until then I made sure there were tubes dotted around the house!

- B E D S I D E C R I B. We were incredibly lucky that Mr MM's brother and sister-in-law gifted us their bedside crib*, as it is absolutely wonderful! It attaches to the side of our bed, and with the option to open up the side it means we feel like we are sleeping cosily with Baby MM whilst being safe and comfortable for us all. If he becomes unsettled in the night, I can simply reach over to him without having to really move, and when he needs feeding it's easy to pick him up. I can't really imagine having it any other way.

- M A T T R E S S P R O T E C T O R S. Following on from the above, it's been essential for us to have a surplus of these as we have a baby who suffers with a lot of vomiting and reflux... These ones* were included with the gift of the crib and are lovely and soft; they wash beautifully too. We picked up one of these* too and it's just as good. Unbelievably, despite Baby MM's best efforts, not a spot has made it through onto the mattress. Definitely worth the money!

- B A B Y W I P E S. There are so many to choose from, and although it's advised to stick to cotton wool and water to start with, before long you'll want to be armed with wipes so you can tackle all sorts of disasters! I decided to try these* at first as I liked the fact they'd been approved by the National Eczema Association, and had many reviews commenting on how gentle they were. They are more expensive than some other brands, but we both think they're a really good product and have continued to order them - we now get them in boxes of 9 packs as it works out a bit cheaper and keeps us stocked up.

- P L A Y M A T. I spent many hours researching all of the different playmats out there, and with hindsight I think I became a bit fixated on the topic...! But I wanted one which was fun for Baby MM and good for his development without being a complete eyesore in our living room. After much discussion we chose this one*, and I can honestly say that we have used it every single day since he was two weeks old. He LOVES it. In the last fortnight he has worked out how to hit the keys on the piano and is so pleased with himself when he hears the notes! The tummy time cushion is a useful addition too, and the textured sensory book is brilliant.

- B A T H J U G. When I bought this*, Mr MM accused me of making unnecessary purchases, and said that any plastic jug would do. To an extent I agreed with him, but I couldn't resist, and now I think it's an excellent addition to bath time; the bright blue colour grabs Baby MM's attention, and the rubber lip is great for preventing water getting in his eyes. If you're looking for a present for parents-to-be, this would be a good one!

- M I L K C A T C H E R. I'm not going to delve into breastfeeding in this post - a huge topic for another day! - but if you're looking for a simple breast pump which shouldn't play havoc with your milk supply, then this is the one* most people recommend. It's different to a standard manual or electronic breast pump in that you're not actively stimulating the breast to express milk, but instead using gentle suction to encourage let-down on one side while you feed on the other. On my midwife and health visitor's advice I made sure not to use this for the first month so as not to disrupt my milk supply in those crucial weeks, but since then I have managed to build up an excellent stock of breast milk in the freezer from using just this!

- S L E E P I N G B A G. I can highly recommend The Lullaby Trust's website for advice on safe sleep for babies, and I spent quite a bit of time reading their guidance and product recommendations when I was pregnant. Based on this, we decided to get sleeping bags for Baby MM to sleep in instead of traditional blankets {although we did use blankets for the first few weeks when he was tiny!} and these* are the original and the best {we have two which are very easy to use and wash brilliantly}. Be sure to check the tog measurement and weight restriction before buying as they do vary.

- S E N S O R Y T O Y. You don't need to go mad with toys for a newborn - let's face it, they can't really do much! - but it won't be long before they're looking around for stimulation and exciting distractions. This little chap* is much loved the world over - rated 4.8 stars out of 5 on Amazon based on 15,785 reviews and counting! - and we can see why; Baby MM gurgles at him, stares at his bright colours, and gives him the biggest smiles. We're not jealous of the toy at all...

- C A R R I E R. This* is such a lovely item to have for your little one. I personally didn't want a stretchy wrap or carrier, but wanted to get something a bit more structured for family walks and jaunts into town. Having asked a few parents what to go for, this was the product mentioned time and time again. We decided to go for the mesh version as it's a bit more lightweight and breathable - and it can be unbearably hot having a baby pressed against you, no matter what the weather!

- B O U N C E R. Chances are that if you have started looking at baby rockers and bouncers, one very expensive brand hits the top of most searches. Is it bad then that we simply weren't that keen on the look of it?! We opted for this one* instead, which Baby MM has nestled in since he was a few weeks old. It has enabled us on many occasions to be able to eat dinner together while he bounces merrily next to us! It's worth saying that it doesn't bounce so well on carpet, but gets good momentum when on a hard floor - he becomes a bit of a blur when we use it in the kitchen!

- B A B Y M O N I T O R. I initially thought I was being a bit over-enthusiastic by getting one of these* before Baby MM would be in his own room... How wrong I was! We have used ours frequently from around 6 weeks onwards, whether it be for daytime naps or during the evenings when he sleeps in his crib while we finish off the washing up and our bedtime cuppas. There is a more recent model than ours, but the only difference is the screen size; we therefore decided to make a bit of a saving on this particular purchase, and I would argue that ours is definitely big enough to be able to see everything in detail.

- H I G H C H A I R. This last recommendation* is a bit of a cheat really, as we actually only bought it this week! Why would I need a high chair before weaning, I thought - I decided to wait until the Black Friday sales before getting one, but oh how I wish we'd had this from the start! Although Baby MM is obviously not having meals yet at only 14 weeks old, thanks to the newborn insert and different recline settings the chair is suitable from birth - and he loves to sit in it! I've put him in it each morning for the last few days while I do the washing up and general kitchen tidying, and he really enjoys being able to see what I'm doing. It also means that he's at our level while we eat dinner, so he doesn't feel as left out as when he's in his Moses basket {we have one in our living room for daytime naps} or the bouncer. I spent ages scouring Google for a high chair that looks nice as well as having good reviews, but we also decided that we wanted to store it away in our dining cupboard between meals {otherwise we would have gone for the Tripp Trapp by Stokke*}. All three of us are extremely pleased with this one.

I really hope you have found these suggestions useful - as always, I'd love to hear what you think in the comments below. Let me know if you've tried any of these products and what your thoughts were, and if you have any recommendations for fellow mums and dads, please do share them with us!

This post contains affiliate links*. Full disclosure statement available here.

Parenting

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My Birth Story

I’d always loved to read people’s birth stories, even before becoming pregnant. Hearing about all the different ways in which babies entered the world fascinated me; whether at home, in water or in an operating theatre, I found each account quite magical and moving. Even those births which perhaps didn’t go to plan, or were more traumatic than others, still had beautiful elements to them - namely the mother getting to meet her newborn baby at the end.

Therefore I knew I would always want to share my birth story on the blog too; partly for expectant mums who are looking for reassurance and positivity, partly for those of you like me who just enjoy reading about all things birth and baby, and partly for myself. There’s something incredibly therapeutic - and important - about reflecting on those moments. It’s a once in a lifetime event; no matter how many children you have, each birth is unique.

As Hollie says in her excellent book*, there is no such thing as a perfect birth, but you can have a positive one - and I’m delighted to say that our birth ended up being far more positive than we ever imagined it would be.

At the beginning of pregnancy, I started to panic about childbirth. Through my work I had been fortunate enough to witness many deliveries, however a lot of these were traumatic in some way, or were emergency situations, and I think those negative memories had stuck with me. I spent many nights lying awake genuinely worrying about how I would cope with the pain of labour, and fearful that I would let both myself and my husband down. Before long, I started to read some recommended books about preparing for birth; The Positive Birth Book by Milli Hill* is a brilliant choice, as is Your Baby, Your Birth by Hollie de Cruz* as mentioned above. I also completed The Positive Birth Company’s digital hypnobirthing course, and generally read up quite a bit about hypnobirthing. I enjoyed practicing my breathing, preparing my playlists and imagining how our labour would play out, and before long I found myself incredibly excited about giving birth. The fear had gone!

Unfortunately, there was then an unexpected turn of events. As the end of my third trimester approached, Baby Maggie May was refusing to move from his breech position inside me {meaning he was bottom down with his legs folded up towards his ears - the wrong way for being born!} Everyone was pretty relaxed about it when he first got into that position, saying he still had plenty of time to spin back again. But as time went on, and he got bigger and bigger, the wiggle room became less and less! Despite my best efforts to encourage him to turn {envisage me practically standing on my head in the evenings, attempting all sorts of positions which various sources recommend to try and flip your baby naturally}, he wouldn’t budge. Just a couple of weeks before my due date, I went to hospital to see if they could turn him around in a procedure called external cephalic version (ECV). Two doctors covered my bump in talcum powder, gave me an injection to relax my uterus, and pushed, shoved and squeezed Baby Maggie May in an attempt to get him to move. I gritted my teeth and let out the odd moan of pain, determined to let them give it their best shot so that there would still be a chance of having a natural vaginal birth - someone had told me beforehand that it would be uncomfortable, and all I could think throughout was that they were a big liar; it was PAINFUL, not uncomfortable! The success rate of the procedure tends to be fairly low, especially for first time mums, and unsurprisingly it didn’t work.

This meant we were left with two choices: wait to go into labour naturally and give birth vaginally to a breech baby, or opt to have a planned Caesarean section. Neither of these options were at all what we’d hoped for. A vaginal breech delivery has many risks attached to it, and having spoken to lots of different people and researched it ourselves, it did not feel like a safe option for our baby. This left us with the Caesarean section.

We were both so disappointed. We’d spent so long talking about what it would be like when I went into labour - that Mr MM would be on bath-running duty; how regular my contractions would need to be in order for him to phone the birth unit; what snacks I thought I should have on standby; my playlist for the latent phase of labour, and what songs I wanted for when I began pushing.

Suddenly, the whole vision had been snatched away from us. I’d dreamt of the moment when I would give a final push and see our beautiful baby slip out into the world, when he would then be placed on my chest for immediate skin-to-skin contact and we’d be left alone as a family of three for our "Golden Hour". Being cut open on a set date, regardless of whether my body had given any signs it was ready to labour or not, under bright lights in an operating theatre felt so far away from what I wanted. But we both knew it was by far the safest way for Baby Maggie May to be born, and so the decision was easy.

We left the hospital after the ECV that day, with the operation booked for just 10 days time, when I would be 39 weeks pregnant. We told only our parents, wanting to keep some element of surprise and normality to the birth. It felt incredibly bizarre to go about our normal business, knowing that we would definitely have our boy the following week! We booked in a food delivery, Mr MM arranged his paternity and annual leave, and before we knew it, the big day arrived.

I’d been to the hospital for a pre-operative assessment a few days before, and they’d told me I was last on the operating list. This meant we didn’t have to turn up until about 11.00am, which I found disappointing as I wanted to have him first thing! We inevitably got there early and sat in the waiting room, laughing at how surreal it all felt - literally sat in a waiting room to have our baby...

Dress - Seraphine | Mask - Etsy

After what felt like an agonising wait - especially as I was starving having fasted since 10.00pm the night before - the midwife appeared and said they were ready for us. The consultant did a final quick scan of my belly to check his position, and then it was time to get changed and walk down the corridor to the operating theatre. Having been waiting for a couple of hours - well, nine months in fact - it felt like a matter of minutes from the time the midwife appeared to us walking into the theatre.

As I perched on the operating table so the anaesthetist could administer my epidural, the midwife chatted to me and got my husband to prepare our Spotify playlist. The mood was relaxed which was great, but I remember saying even at that point to the midwife that I was disappointed I wasn’t going to be pushing my baby out. I know a lot of people don’t get this - one woman said to me, “Why would you want to if you can have a section?” Because that’s what I’d always imagined. Because for me, that’s what giving birth meant. Because although I had been frightened about the pain and the duration of labour, I was also excited about experiencing such an incredible miracle. Thankfully, there are those who do understand, and in fact would encourage us to grieve for the birth we would not have - because Mr MM was also sad to be missing that experience. They explained that it was entirely natural to be upset, and that it was important to acknowledge this. But that also, at the end of the day we would have our baby to cuddle, no matter how he arrived with us.

The epidural kicked in and I giggled at how strange it felt to be unable to move my legs. I lay on my back grinning at Mr MM nervously as people bustled around me, connecting drips and wires and making their final checks. As the consultant began to clean my belly, our wedding song started to play over the speakers {In My Life by The Beatles} which helped me to relax. Mr MM and I continued to beam at each other as there was lots of tugging and pulling behind the drapes, and suddenly: there he was.

The drapes were lowered and the consultant raised our amazing baby boy from my belly in a Simba-like pose; he instantly opened his eyes and blinked a few times cautiously before letting out the most almighty and wonderful cries. As tears streamed down my face I sobbed with happiness as Mr MM reached down to give me a kiss. The midwife asked what his name was and I choked it out as I couldn’t stop crying - he was finally here! Our beautiful son was here!

He was carried off to be weighed (7 lbs 8 oz) and cleaned up, and Mr MM went with them. As I lay there being stitched up, I could hear our baby crying and my husband’s laughter, as tears continued to roll down my cheeks. I was smiling inanely at the ceiling, in a state of complete joy and also shock, and then my boys reappeared, with Baby Maggie May placed on my chest for that skin-to-skin contact I had always dreamed of.

About half an hour later, we were all finished, and I was wheeled down the corridor to recovery. The magic toast everyone talks about was produced, and Baby MM had his first breastfeed - an excellent and conscientious attempt it was too! Mr MM had the chance for some skin-to-skin cuddles, as I dreamily watched them both from the bed. After a couple of hours we FaceTimed our parents, introducing them all to their new grandson. We spent the whole afternoon simply gazing at him, exclaiming to each other how perfect he was and how lucky we were.

We both got our skin-to-skin moments; he had his first beautiful breastfeed within an hour of being born, and our favourite music had been played as he was brought into the world. Yes, it wasn’t ideal that our first hours as a family were spent in a poky recovery room with several other post-operative women, and yes, I do still feel sad that I didn’t get the birth I’d always hoped for. But all we’ve ever wanted is a child of our own, and from the first moment I held him in my arms, with my husband by my side, I felt utterly complete. He is our world, and the amount of love we have for him is overwhelming, growing each and every day. He is ours, and the day he was born was the best day of my life.

This post contains affiliate links*. Full disclosure statement available

Parenting

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